L is for Letting Go
by Leoloco
Summary: Don and Charlie both remember what it means to let go


**Disclaimer:** I'm currently in the process of acquiring the rights to the tv-show Numb3rs and all its contents. In fact, I've have sent the e-mail already in which I politely ask for full ownership and await an answer any moment. When it's mine, I'll let you know. In the meantime, I can assure you it is not.

**--- **

**L is for Letting Go**

_08-29-2006, 08:43 PM_

It was weird, Don thought, how certain days could jog certain memories. He usually didn't think about it, but every year on this day the memory seemed clear in his mind and he could recall almost every detail vividly.

Twenty-two years ago, but although he couldn't quite remember what he had for dinner two days ago, he could still smell the air from that day. The end of summer was near, but the temperature was still feigning mid-summer. The air was hot and clammy, and called for a water balloon fight or a pool party.

He could still see them clearly, him wearing the school baseball sweater, proud to show everyone that he had made it to the team last year and probably would this year. Charlie was wearing his red t-shirt that their mom had made him wear because she hadn't allowed him to wear his favorite Einstein t-shirt.

He could still hear his little brother chatting brightly, unable to contain his excitement while Don was silent, trying very hard not to let Charlie know that this walk alone made him uncomfortable.

He could still feel it, his little brother's hand pressed in his own. Their mom had made him swear he would walk his little brother to school on his first day and even had to make him hold his hand. And although Charlie's incessant chatter would convince him otherwise, the increasing pressure in his hand as they approached school clearly let him know that his brother was indeed very nervous.

He knew he should try to make him feel better, talk about making new friends, learning new things, things like that. He should at least talk to him about school and the exciting new day his little brother was facing. He should at least say something, anything. But instead Don kept quiet.

On every level he could understand the fact that his little brother would be joining him in high school, knowing full well that he was ready for it, at least mentally. Charlie had probably been ready for a while longer, but his parents had tried to stall by getting him even more tutors. But now he definitely was ready, eager even to learn all new things.

But still, Don felt betrayed. Another part of his life without Charlie would be invaded, another part of his life he now not only had to share with his little brother, but also knew that he would very likely be surpassed by him. Again. Of course, he loved his little brother. But since he had been given so much attention since he was a toddler, Don craved a place for his own. A place where he could be Don, make friends and discover some talents of his own. And in that, he had succeeded. He had friends by the busload, was actually able to call himself 'popular' and it had turned out he was really good at baseball.

And here he was, literally leading his little brother to school. By taking his hand he was paving the way, making the transition even easier for him. In only a matter of minutes 'his' school would become 'their' school. 'His' friends might even become 'their' friends. Fortunately, Don knew that Charlie was not a very good athlete or sportsman, so he could at least be assured that 'his' team wouldn't become 'their' team. But still, the part of his life that Don once considered 'his own' would no longer be just that. Charlie was going to be there too.

In his mind he could already picture the kind of attention Charlie would get. Being a genius never goes unnoticed, certainly not when you are a nine year old attending high school. The first few days everyone would probably hang around Charlie, paying a lot of attention to him, trying to see the 'genius' up close and to poke through the bubble. Of course, everyone would want to see if he really was a genius, and might even test him.

But after a few days or weeks the hubbub around Charlie would calm down and everyone would see that he was indeed a genius. He would get straight A's on every subject, and everyone would see how stupid Don was compared to him. Don knew he wasn't stupid, but compared to Charlie he did feel that way. Charlie's school life would be the easiest thing for him, breezing through every year getting nothing but high grades.

Somewhere in the back of his head, Don knew that high school might not be that easy for Charlie at all, being a nine year old, but for now he didn't want to think about that and suddenly let go of Charlie's hand.

Immediately Charlie fell silent and looked up at him, expecting an explanation for the sudden change.

'It's time to do it on your own, Charlie' Don curtly said, 'If you're smart enough to go to high school, you're smart enough to walk there on your own, ok?'

Charlie looked at him with big, brown, terrified eyes, and for a second Don felt his resistance crumble. Quickly he regained himself and continued, 'You'll be fine.' And with that he took a big step forward and continued walking to widen the distance between him and Charlie.

A mere ten seconds later he heard the call for his name he had been expecting, followed by a wave of sounds he didn't expect at all. A honk of a car, screeching tires and a woman screaming.

In a reflex he turned around, immediately aware of the fact that Charlie had been right behind him and that something must have happened to him. It only lasted a fraction of a second, but to Don it felt too long. Too long without knowing what had happened to his little brother. When he was fully turned around his eyes took in the sight before him.

In the middle of the road stood Charlie, still like a statue. Only an inch from him was the front bumper of a blue sedan, and inside Don could see the ashen face of a man, somewhere in his thirties.

Charlie started to move. First he slowly moved his hand to the hood of the car before him and padded it absentmindedly, and then he brought up his head and turned around to face Don.

Don stood speechless and felt like nailed to the ground, but when he saw his brother's eyes on him he snapped out of it and ran to him. Only then did he surrender to his feelings of worry, now that he could see that Charlie was alright.

'Charlie, are… are you alright?' he stuttered, and he brought his hand to the shoulder of the little trembling figure in front of him. The man from the car had stepped out and joined them.

'Geez, kid, are you ok? I didn't see you… I… I didn't see…' he turned to Don and continued, 'I didn't see him. He just came out of nowhere… I didn't see him!'

Don almost didn't hear him, aware of the fact that Charlie had yet to speak.

'Charlie?' Don gently asked him while lowering himself to Charlie's level. 'Say something.'

Only one word crossed his lips. 'Wow.'

The moment Charlie had said that his eyes started to lit up again and the shocked expression disappeared from his face. 'That was… wow! He must have been driving about 30 miles per hour, so the braking distance must have been approximately eh.. 11 point 4 feet, and… and…' Charlie rattled on and on.

'Charlie! This isn't funny! You could have been killed!' Don was shouting now, releasing the worry that had been building up inside him in those few seconds. He only now realized how close Charlie had come to… to a severe accident. If something had happened Don knew it was his fault, he should have been holding Charlie's hand. 'Do you hear me? You could have been dead!'

Charlie looked up at him with a twinkle in his eyes. 'I know! I'm an anomoly!'

And again he continued naming the factors responsible for the situation, trying to calculate the speed of the car and by doing so it was clear to Don that Charlie didn't seem nearly as fazed by what had happened as Don and the driver of the car. Charlie was now excitedly talking to himself and walked away from Don and the car, gesturing in the air.

'Uhm… he's alright. I guess' Don said to the now very confused looking man. 'Thank you… I eh… I have to go now. I should get him' he added, and he quickly walked after Charlie, leaving the driver behind.

When Don reached Charlie again he immediately grabbed his hand, almost wanting to never let go. He couldn't stop thinking about what could have happened and knew that it was his fault, he should have never let go of Charlie's hand, and somehow he wanted to make up for that now.

'I'm so sorry, Charlie! I should never have left you there! I'm so sorry!' Don wanted desperately to apologize, but Charlie didn't even seem to hear him. Eventually Charlie did look at Don and said, 'But nothing happened right? I was an anomoly!' He still seemed to be quite happy about that fact.

'But…' he let out a big sigh. 'Ok. Let's just not tell mom or dad about this, ok?' Don added, knowing that his parents wouldn't take this as lightly as Charlie. 'And don't do that again!' he added, 'You scared the heck out of me!'

Charlie had agreed to that and in time it seemed that he had forgotten all about it. But Don would never forget that day, and every time he did think about it he never could shake of the feeling of guilt. Nothing happened that day, but Don knew very well that they had been very, very lucky. Without that extreme stroke of luck, letting go of Charlie's hand might have been the worst thing he had ever done and he would never forgive himself for that.

Even now, twenty-two years later, Don could still feel the guilt and he knew he still hadn't forgiven himself.

---

_08-29-2006, 08:51 PM_

Eighteen years ago, Charlie thought, it was exactly eighteen years ago that Charlie left for his new school. After high school graduation he hadn't even had to apply for any university. Somehow, they had found him and over the course of weeks several invitations had been dropped in the mailbox. They had started coming in long before his senior year actually, but his mom had effectively hidden all envelopes for him, trying to save him all the added pressure of choosing the best university.

High school hadn't been all that much fun for Charlie, and although he really looked forward to attending university, the thought alone still had made him feel queasy.

But over the course of the summer, Charlie had decided with his parents that he would be attending Princeton. And although he had made that decision relatively early, his departure to the other side of the country eventually still managed to feel very sudden.

He was very excited of course, to go to one of the most prominent universities of the country, with a very good math department, but he still was a thirteen year old boy who didn't want to leave the safety of his own home as well. His mom would be joining him, and he was sure that without her he would never have taken up the courage to go there. But going to Princeton with her also meant that he would be leaving his father and brother behind. And that was something Charlie didn't want to think about.

He had even stalled packing till the very last moment, to put of the moment for goodbye and trying to act as nothing would happen, as if no one was going to move away.

Of course, that had only resulted in a very frantic last day filled with last-minute packing, which he had spent with a constant search for some lost-but-should-definitely-not-be-forgotten-items, such as books, old notebooks filled with some of his older work he wanted to recheck and of course clothes.

They were supposed to leave around eight in the morning, but even two minutes before departure time Charlie was still in his room, mentally checking and re-checking everything he might have forgotten. When his mom called for him he took a last look in his room, turned to leave, turned again to get that last math book because you might never know, and with a big sigh he closed the door behind him and came down the stairs.

'Dear, we really have to go now. Are you sure you have everything?' his mom gently said. She knew his stress, and had helped him a lot already by making elaborate lists of things he should take with him.

Somehow, Charlie just knew he had forgotten something, but since right now he couldn't remember what, he let it slip. His dad could always send it later, and it was not like he would never come back.

His mom got in the car and started the engine. For Charlie this was the cue to drop his bag on the backseat and slide in the passenger's seat next to his mom. When his mother drove away he turned and waved at his dad and the house for the last time.

Only twenty minutes later did realization hit him. He knew what he had forgotten. Something crucial, and he couldn't believe how stupid he had been. He had forgotten to say goodbye to Don.

While trying to stall the moment of goodbye, he had managed to skip the moment completely. Stabs of guilt jolted through his heart and silent tears ran across his face. He vowed he would call him on the phone the moment they stopped somewhere, and he could only hope that he wasn't too late.

Over the next weeks Charlie and Don had some sporadic phone calls, but since both Don and Charlie were busy with their new lives, it never evolved into a regular pattern. In months their communication had even died down to only the occasional birthday call or by intervention from either one of their parents. They had lost touch, and Charlie knew it was his fault.

For the rest of his live he would regret the day that he had left without saying goodbye to his big brother, and although he knew that Don blamed himself for losing touch after leaving for college, Charlie knew that he had been the first one to go. He had left for Princeton before Don had left the house. He had been the first one to cease the communication between them, by not saying goodbye. Don and he had grown apart, and he had let it happen. He had been the first one to let go.

Even now, now that Don and Charlie were together in LA again, working together, laughing together, spending time together, even now Charlie still felt the guilt of what he had let happen eighteen years ago.

---

_08-29-2006, 09:36 PM_

He sighed.

After so many years, wasn't it time to leave it in the past? There had been many years where he might have had a reason to still feel responsible for that situation, but now? Now that he and his brother had found each other again, and he could feel that there were no hidden resentments left. Now that they had both realized that they had changed and were both ready to leave any bad memories behind.

Yes. He realized that now the time had come that he could let it rest. Now it was time to leave things in the past and move on. It was time to let go. And he did.

With a smile he literally could feel a cloud leave from his above his head. A cloud that he had been carrying for so many years had drifted away and he felt lighter immediately.

He grabbed his cell phone, typed in his brother's number, and pressed dial.

While bringing the phone to his ear he could hear the familiar tone already. Busy.

He hung up the phone again. He didn't mind. He knew that he had the time, for he would never let go of his brother again.


End file.
